I am a black woman/mixed with nothing. Pretty and black is not pretty enough?

I am reading AMERICANAH by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and I feel like I am so close to the main character Ifemelu, but with a little more faith generally speaking. There are certain honest points made that filled me with gratitude because not only am I not crazy, but people are writing truths and being recognized so it makes me feel a very bright hope for me as I have often been disliked by those who find me hard to argue with when I show them the truth. Also I believe I am in a changing period in my life and I do not know exactly what the future will bring but the writer who sat in the background while I cooked people's dinner has decided to break out.

It is amazing how I felt like I was always thought of as not as pretty as other women of mixed race even though I was raised by a mother who let me know I was prettier than most people that I was overlooked for. In my younger days I had a boyfriend who was white and indian mixed and I was never considered right for him. One night a woman I knew back then and I ended up having a few drinks. I actually dislike her because she is very fake and always showing off but I got forced into it in a sense (lol) and she said "Oh i remember when you were with him and EVERYBODY wondered why because you were so.... uhmm... 'rootsy'"

OK maam. Like wtf is rootsy? You mean because I had natural hair and he was not black? Or because he had money and fit into a bourgie circle? Certainly we are all connected to our roots, just some of us have a very fake root. I was me, and he liked me, and I liked him, stay out of it. You mean to say 9 years later she still had to mention it? She still aint get over it nuh.

Surely, based on my complexion, and my mother's stories, I do know I am mixed far back, but not enough for it to count. I have always picked men who have been considered as popular, with that being based on looks to an extent. What can I say, life is too short for ugly, to each his own so leave me and my choices alone. It is sad that whenever a man is faithful or seems worth anything, even the darkest women will wonder why he didn't choose a lighter partner. We have been damaged darlings, we are damaged.

It is so hard to be that black woman who is happy for the other black woman after we are working so hard to get somewhere that when someone else who is working seems to arrive before us we get disheartened and feel we have lost the race rather than using her example as a beacon of hope for us all.

We are expected to be so many things, some very contradictory - smart, mannerly, pretty, genuine, good liars, willing to submit,understanding when we are put last even though we are the smartest. It is sometimes impossible to be a satisfied black woman who does not lash out when under attack on such a regular basis, and yet, some of us tell our stories and empower others. Some of us get it done. There is hope.